On the Issues

---

Health Care:

It is unacceptable that in the 21st century, people in the best country cannot afford health care. While some of my opponents would have us charge the federal government with our health care responsibilities, I would advocate a different tack. We should take a cue from the Mexicans and simply bus our citizens over to Canada to take advantage of their free health care. If they don't like it, tough titties (we gots nukes).

Free Speech:

Free Speech is the keystone in the arch of the fabric of the foundation American freedom, and therefore everything possible should be done to protect the guidelines and suggestions contained in the First Amendment. Some people, however, misuse their freedom by complaining about shit, offending people, or criticizing the government. Cut it out, people; it's annoying.

Illegal Immigration:

I believe that there can be a mutually-beneficial relationship between Americans and our khaki-colored friends from the South. American businesses need employees that are not only easier to intimidate and demean than naturalized citizens, but also more industrious. Mexicans, for their part, benefit by simply getting out of that shithole for a while. Win-Win.

Furthermore, I am firmly against allowing children born here automatic citizenship. This includes (but is not limited to) so-called “anchor babies.” All children, whether by naturalized parents or not, should be sent immediately to Mexico after birth. Then they will be able to earn their way back into the country through determination and a dedication to paperwork. Those not resourceful enough to get back in are, to use an acronymn of our nations youth, "SOL." Perhaps if we all started out as Mexicans, fewer of us would be so obese, lazy, intellectually void, and emotionally anesthetized?

Poverty:

The Lottery is not only an excellent way to become rich without having to bother with discipline, it is also a symbol of hope for the poor. If elected, I will work with Congress to make it legal to by lottery tickets with food stamps and WIC credits. I propose a four year transition period, with an initial sanction of 1 dollar scratch-offs, with a graduated inclusion of Pick 2, Kool Kash, Crayzee Buxx, and, of course, SuperBillions. As long as our poor are playing the lottery, we have direct evidence of their continuing optimism, and isn't that what's really important?

The Children:

I think the children are our future. We need to think of the children, and do what is best for our children. More importantly, our children are also future generations, and we need to be respectful of the future generations. As a society, it is crucial that we prepare our children for the challenges of the future generation. The future is a generation, and the world will belong to our children, so we need to take care and make sure that their future is our world, and that their children are thought of as well. By us, since our children's children are the future.

Discrimination:

Life must be more than work. A man must have his, shall we say, diversions. That’s why, after a long day at the office, I reach for a Chesterfield. It’s the only one for me, with that hearty robustness and that distinctly old-fashioned flavor. Yes, Chesterfield. Whether it’s shared in the study discussing the day’s investments, or at a neighborhood pub among friends trading tales over a growing pool of vomit, a Chesterfield always satisfies. Those with discriminating tastes choose Chesterfield.

Abstract Concepts:

I think we should spend more time pursuing things like Justice, Brotherhood, Compassion, and Honor. The more we concentrate on these ambiguous but important-seeming ideals, the less time we will have to spend worrying about solutions to the concrete problems that we have to deal with every day. After all, talking about freedom is easier than actually being free, right?

Aliens:

Aliens are far more advanced than us, and if they come upon our planet, they will kill or enslave us. If elected, I will ensure that we are prepared for the Alien menace. Not only do I pledge to crack the code contained within their signal, but I will also use their own technology against them in order to upload a computer virus into their Mothership. Their shield matrix thus disabled, the remaining ships will make easy targets for my Air Force.

Jacobs-Whitley Adjusted Gains Taxation and Compliance Matrices:

This legislation is little more than a big-government boondoggle that unjustly penalizes America’s more-fortunate working millionaires. Is it really necessary that I should have to certify each and every dual-source international equity exchange and ratio-balanced amortization that I transact? If elected I will ensure that this is a burden which .07% of Americans will shoulder no longer.