Get Involved!

11 Things You Can Do to Help Rich Succeed

1. SEND MONEY: These days, it costs at least $150 million to become president. That may not sound like much, but consider that I am much richer than you are, and my net worth is only about $80 million. Let’s speculate that by selling favors to special interest groups and corporate lobbyists I can rake in another $60 million. I’ll still come up at least $10 million short. That’s where you can help: by sending cash. If you want, I’ll send you a shirt or something.
2. VOLUNTEER: Action gets things done, so get out there and do something. It doesn’t matter what you do, and even the little things make a difference. Honk at cars that have bumper stickers you disagree with. Constantly send your coworkers emails containing links to my website. Call radio shows to rant nonsensically for a few minutes. These are a few examples, but just about any thing that feels helpful will do. Your country needs you; do not let her down.
3. DEBATE: If your friends do not agree with your views, they are stupid. Try and remind them of this in the most aggressive and condescending way possible. Honing your rhetorical technique is essential. Your friends won’t know what hit them when you trip them up with a Slippery-slope or a Straw Man. At times, it may become necessary to lay down an Ad Hominim on their ass. Go for for the jugular: your opponents clothing, job, and spouse should make for convenient targets.
4. SABOTAGE: Now, I’m not officially suggesting that you sabotage my opponent’s campaigns. I’m just pointing out that, were they sabotaged, I would probably benefit. Don’t do it.
5. HELP THE HOMELESS get to the polls on time. Because of their terminal laziness, they often don’t even vote. A good way of helping these forgotten souls reclaim their relevance through participation in the electoral process might be to rent a bus and drive them to the polls on Election Day. By offering a cheeseburger to everyone who votes for me, you will have gone even further toward helping them by demonstrating the work/reward concept so central to the Capitalist society they have been free from for so long!
6. BLOG: Cyberjournalism has finally come into it’s own as a crucial component of the modern political campaign. Did you know that there are over 41,000 English-language political blogs on the Internet? That’s almost 41,000 blogs per reader! No longer are we limited to the biased, sensationalist, and hegemonic news sources of the print and broadcast media. Now we can be even less sure where our information comes from! Thank God for the razor-sharp critical thinking skills of the average American. Social Networking sites have also proven a great boon to today’s political image-building. Until now there has been no reliable way to court the vote of that 40% of Americans who consider themselves to be child molesters.
7. THREATEN THE ELDERLY: Those creaky old vultures seem to think that the U.S. Treasury is nothing more than a personal piggy bank to be squandered on pet pork projects like Medicare and Social Security. Well, I hate to tell them, but the Constitution explicitly states that it is Congress who gets to use the Treasury for a piggy bank. Stop these freeloaders by using their fear of permanent and all-consuming loneliness to your advantage. Tell them that you will not visit them anymore if they continue voting.
8. BUY A NEWSPAPER: Not a single issue though; I mean the whole company. Even better is if you can buy an entire media conglomerate. This would be really helpful to me, as it would provide a permanent channel through which I could deliver my message and by which I could receive positive coverage. I’ll get you back later, I promise.
9. CALL YOUR GOVERNOR: My goal is to be on the ballot in every state. To help me achieve this, you can call your Governor and explain to him why I he should want me as his new boss. I’m pretty lenient about days off, and I often surprise my employees by ordering a few pizzas for lunch. Of course, you won’t be able to get through, so just leave a message with his secretary, who is generally called “Lieutenant Governor.”
10. STEAL YARD SIGNS: This is a fun and easy way to get the kids involved in the political process. Calling it a “scavenger hunt,” really gets the enthusiasm going; you can even offer a prize to ensure that the little ones get them all. Study after study has shown that yard signs are the most important single factor people take into account when choosing a candidate.
11. PETITIONS: I’m not exactly sure what these things do, but you always hear about them. The basic idea is to get a clipboard and some blank paper out of your printer feed tray, then walk around from house to house, getting people to put their signature on the paper. After you’ve walked everywhere you can, try going and standing outside the grocery store to get more signatures. All done? Great, now you can either throw it away yourself or mail it somewhere else to get thrown away. Send it wherever you like; it’s your stamp, right?