Yeeesss I know what happened on 9/11
Ok, I’m a little emotional about this one. Yesterday I read an article in the so-called New York Times written by a certain Mr. Brit Burk. In said article, said “journalist” was lambasting me for some comments I made during a speech I gave to some firefighters at the Columbus Rotary a couple of weeks back. Mr. Burke decided that taking a few of my words out of context and reworking them to his advantage might give him a shot at a Pulitzer. Well, Brit, I hate to tell you, but the media isn’t just for journalists anymore, and I’m going to use the power of the internet to set the record straight and expose you for the unethical hack that you are.
First let me explain that what Mr. Burk was trying to suggest about me is that I don’t know what happened on 9/11. While I admit there was some confusion surrounding a couple of the questions the firefighter heroes asked me that day, to suggest that I am unaware of the greatest tragedy in Human history is absurd, to say the least. Yes, when asked about 9/11, I thought I was being asked about a tuna salad sandwich I had eaten on that day. My mistake, I’ll admit it. But here’s what Mr. Burke won’t tell you: We had just eaten a catered lunch before I took the podium, and we had been offered a selection of sandwiches, including tuna salad. So when that muscular, young firefighter asked that question, I thought we were still thinking about sandwiches. I normally expect a bit more of a segue before I talk about atrocities, sorry.
What if I said to you, “How has 3/19 changed your global outlook?” What would you say? Since you’re not a walking almanac, you might say, “I’m not sure why that day is significant.” Well, I hate to break it to you, but I’m not a walking almanac, either. I may be a politician, but I have weaknesses too. I’m terrible with dates, just ask my wife. C’mon fellas, you know what I’m talking about here. I’m terrible with birthdays, anniversaries, court dates, you name it. Of course, Anselmo keeps me briefed as best he can, but he can’t be there all the time; sometimes I just have to wing it. But just because you don’t know a fact on demand doesn’t mean you don’t know what that fact means. I know that on that September day our way of life was attacked by some liberty-hating terrorists, destroying forever the fragile innocence of our nation, and bringing down upon us a new and dangerous age of global ideological conflict. So what if I know the date? After all, we all know that the Japanese attacked Pearl Harbor, but do we all know the date? Of course not. It’s enough just to know it happened in June.
I think the real issue here is that I seem to be the only one who has two reasons to remember 9/11. While most people only remember the frantic news speculation and the horrifying images of people jumping hundreds of feet to certain death, I happen to also have seared into my brain images of the best tuna salad sandwich of my life. Sure, my life isn’t close to over, but I’m certain I’ll never have another to compare to it. It had walnuts in it, for Christ’s sake. And I don’t know if it was Tarragon or what, but whatever it was fit just perfectly. Not too much mayo and a couple of onion slices, all on lightly toasted pumpernickel; that is truly a sandwich I will never forget.