White Flight
It’s time to hit the road and spread the Word to every Joe Schmo, John Q. Public, and Paddy O’Averagedipshit out there in this great land of ours. A Presidential Candidate, however, doesn’t just jump into his trusty Buick and switch on the cruise control. No, citizens, it takes a very special vehicle to help me and my crew get the message out there, and I just picked it up today. Let me backtrack for a sec. When it came time to plan this little trip, Anselmo suggested we purchase a bus. Real original there buddy. We all remember John McCain’s “Straight-Talk Express,” don’t we? “Express to where?” you might ask. In McCain’s case, apparently straight to mediocreburg. No, for this campaign, we needed something special.
I suggested a train, but Anselmo squashed that one. Apparently trains only travel on tracks, which means no Stuckey’s, and that’s a no-go. When I’m on a trip, I can only use the bathroom at Stuckey’s (don’t ask). Then, I placed an order for the “Doublespeak Doublewide,” which I thought would be a wonderful way not only to travel in style, but also to connect with a lot of the poor people in the world, who I hear live in doublewide trailers. And I don’t blame them, because they’re pretty nice: it had a well appointed wine cellar, a screening room, and a golden toilet. Unfortunately, when Anselmo and I showed up to drive it away, they told me the damn thing wasn’t street legal. What a kick in the ass! The damn thing didn’t even have an engine in it. I sent it over to one of Peggy’s hillbilly cousins to live in, but I kept the toilet.
Then I figured it out: blimp. That’ll really get their attention, I thought. So I called a blimp company and commissioned one. I just approved the final designs this morning, and let me tell you, she’s a beaut. Her name is “The Truthenburg Zeppelin,” but she’s not going to be ready until January, which kind of sucks. What to do until then? Well, luckily the guy who is building her also happens to be into hot-air ballooning, so offered to sell me one of his finest specimens. Yes, folks, the Hot-Air Express is ready to fly!
Needless to say, I was pretty psyched. As you can see, she’s a beaut. I outfitted her with a wide variety of amenities, including sandbags and a wicker gondola. There’s enough room for Anselmo and myself, as well as a small cooler and a suitcase. It’s cozy, but that’s not necessarily a bad thing. After all, it’s freezing up there, so on long cross-country trips Anselmo and I will want to huddle up anyway. The only drawback that I can see is wind. My engagements will need to be planned a little more carefully, and be subject to change at a moments notice. I’ll leave all of that up to Pepper. Get ready, nation, the Rich White message of changeful hope is about to take to the skies!