Where da Party at?
Good morning citizens. Well, I’ve been running for President now for a couple of weeks, and I’ve got to say: I like it. The food’s good, you get to see the country, and there’s always somebody around telling you how great they think you are. Needless to say, that kind of stuff is right up my alley. This is more than just a sweet-ass road trip, though; I’m here to win the presidency. And to win you need a strategy, which is something we talk a lot about here at Camp White. According to Anselmo, in order to really have a good shot at winning, you have to be involved with what is called a “political party.” Most candidates even link up with a party before running for President. There are actually quite a few of these parties out there, but there are only two that you really ever hear about: Democrats and Republicans. In the coming weeks, the Rich White campaign will implement strategies angling to secure the support of one of the organizations.
To be honest, I was confused when Anselmo first made it clear to me that this move was necessary. After all, everybody knows that “political parties” are just a contrivance created by the the media wing of the global corporate banking interests, the sole purpose of which is to divert the public’s attention through the pleasant irrelevance of sports-style conflict, while the individuals who really control things manufacture conflicts and solidify their iron grip on world civilization, all without the inconvenient fetters of public oversight and accountability. In fact, as Anselmo pointed out to me, everyone does not know this, and therefore puts great importance on party affiliation. In fact, before choosing a candidate voters will typically require that he be affiliated with their favorite party. If you’ve seen a football game (or the illiterate cretins who watch that sort of thing), then you know what I’m talking about.
First, let me tell you a bit about these Parties. The Democrats are mostly poor, well-educated, elderly, jewish, black lesbians who work as trial lawyers, and who spend their free time accepting free handouts and having anonymous sex with multiple partners. They are characterized by their fiscal sloppiness, marijuana addition, and tendency to complain and blame other people for their problems. In principle, they support an all-powerful central government that pays every American citizen to pursue mediocrity, letting everybody out of prison, the abolition of private property, and punishing terrorists by tickling and hugging them to death. They also advocate letting anyone who feels like it just mosey on over the border, which provides a source of cheap votes. They are very open-minded, provided that you agree with them, and they are staunch supporters of the Bill of Rights (except for the 1st, 2nd, 4th, 5th, and 10th amendments).
The Republicans are completely different from the Democrats. Their constituents are primarily uneducated, affluent, white, male religious fanatics from rural areas who work in executive corporate positions, and who spend their free time randomly discharging weapons and passing judgment on things they are too intellectually lazy to understand. Republicans are characterized by their fiscal sloppiness, alcohol addiction, and tendency to complain and blame other people for their problems. In principle, they support an all-powerful central government that pays every American citizen to join the Army, putting everybody in prison, the privatization of the human soul, and punishing possible terrorists by blowing up the women and children that stand near them. They also advocate letting anyone who feels like it just mosey on over the border, which provides a source of cheap labor. They are very open-minded, provided that you agree with them, and they are staunch supporters of the Bill of Rights (except for the 1st, 4th, 5th, 6th, and 9th amendments).
Since the Democrats are a bunch of pushovers, I thought I’d try them first. I called Howard Dean, and told him what I was all about. He suggested we get together and chat, so we met at a Burger King at exit 48 near Proctorsville. Over a couple of Buffalo Tendercrisps, I explained that I was interested in becoming President, and that I hoped he could help make that happen. While he seemed interested, I couldn’t help but feel that he wasn’t giving me his full attention. He kept barking and chortling randomly, and suspect he has been stricken with Tourette’s. He asked me what I thought about the “issues.” I told him that I thought the same thing as him about the issues. “Be more specific,” he said, and I knew I was in trouble. I don’t really do specificity because I find it limiting. I explained this to Dean, but he didn’t respond. He was making a very low whining sound and spit bubbles were forming at the corners of his mouth. Suddenly he jumped up, a fire in his eyes and his fist pumping wildly. “Waah. YAAAHH!” And then he was gone. Needless to say, I was pissed. I bought that douche a Tendercrisp, and he didn’t even finish it.
Things didn’t go any better with Mike Duncan, the chairman of the Republican Party. His secretary kept putting my secretary off, so I had to come up with some other way to reach him. It just so happens that we’re both members of the same Gentleman’s Club, so I figured I’d just “bump into him” and schmooze a little. One evening, as I entered the club, I noticed him sitting in a corner. I grabbed two brandy’s from Clive, the barman, and approached Duncan with my offering. I introduced myself and offered him the glass. I started to explain what I was trying to do, but he seemed a little annoyed. Eventually, he told me to leave him alone and that he would talk to me later about it. I hoped he would come talk to me after the lapdance, but he just kept paying for more songs. I took the hint.
Out of desperation, I tried to call the Libertarians, but it seems their phone had been disconnected. I emailed them, but the dude who called me back sounded stoned. I pretended I was losing cell reception, and then hung up on him. I wasn’t too into that route anyway. They are pretty insignificant and besides, their preoccupation with freedom makes me uneasy. People tend to do whatever they want when you give them freedom. I didn’t even bother calling the Communists, since they’re just Democrats with an unpopular name. The Anarchists sounded good, but they don’t tend to run for office, so SOL on that one. My only shot at success, it seems, was to link up with the big boys, and they didn’t seem to want anything to do with me.
Needless to say, I was pretty down at this point. But then Anselmo told me a little story about the architect of the bloodiest war in American History, Abraham Lincoln. We all know that he was considered one of the ugliest presidents in history, but he wasn’t always as successful as he was in his later life. It seems that, before he was elected president, he met with a few challenges. First, his business failed when it turned out that nobody wanted to buy stupid tiny notched logs. Then he lost eight different elections for various positions, including the post of Neighborhood Association Historian. On top of everything, he was a convicted rapist. At first, I didn’t realize what Anselmo was getting at. Then I looked into the deep black pools of his eyes, and from them I drew an inexplicable strength. I will not and can not give up. I take heart in the knowledge that the primaries are a good nine months away, allowing me plenty of time to wrangle up a party affiliation. Like Lincoln, I too will eventually reach my goal through dogged perseverance, although I will not have my head blown off by an actor (I’ve got my eye on you Clooney).