Welcome Back Wolf!
A bit of good news here at Camp White: Wolf has returned to us! His battle with Ann Coulter on the Terrace at the Four Seasons Saginaw left him seriously injured and he has spent the past several weeks in the care of the talented Dr. Khan, who nursed him back to health. While he is a man of few words, Wolf has not said anything at all since returning to duty yesterday. I tried to thank him for coming to my aid, but he merely nodded and hurried to change into his work clothes. Outwardly, he seemed healthy enough, save a single injury: his right hand was blackened and shriveled; it looked as though his flesh had been burned away. He noticed me looking at it, and quickly stuffed it into the pocket of his coat before hurrying off to his rounds.
Later, I paid a visit to Dr. Khan to receive one my StumpStrong injections, and took the opportunity to find out a few details about Wolf’s adventure. It seems that the battle was a harrowing one. Wolf had not given him many of the details, but apparently the wound to his hand had been life-threatening. What appeared at first to be a simple but extensive burn turned out to be something much more sinister. In fact, Khan had to use some of his strongest and most arcane cures to prevent the condition from spreading up his arm and consuming his entire body. This new information made clear to me the depth of Wolf’s bravery and devotion to this campaign. I sought him out to convey my respect and gratitude.
I caught up with Wolf on the balloon pad, where he was triple-checking the lines. At first he seemed hesitant to speak, but when I explained the full reach of my gratitude, he broke down and roared repeatedly, then began making punching motions with his fists (this, I am told, is how Germans cry). When he regained his composure, he gave me all of the thrilling details of his story:
It seems that shortly after I made my escape in the balloon, one of Ann Coulter’s energy blasts caught Wolf square in the chest, knocking him onto his back. She stood over him, eyes aflame, mouth aleak with pus, and conjured lightening in her fingertips with the intent of finishing him. Wolf, merely pretending to be unconscious, suddenly sprang up and knocked Coulter off balance, her attack sending sparks uselessly into the sky. He thrust his powerful shoulders forward, knocking her up and over the terrace railing, and with a shriek she began to fall. In a fit of humanity, Wolf caught her hand and stopped her fall. To his surprise, glee, not fear, filled her eyes, and the large snake-emblazoned ring on her left hand came suddenly alight with a searing green flame. Wolf cried out and, unable to hold on any longer, dropped the grinning Coulter onto the pavement below. Had it not been for Dr. Khan’s timely action when he returned to Headquarters, desperately injured, he might not have lived to tell the tale.
The marvelous heroism of this tale inspired me to give Wolf a generous raise, which he grudgingly accepted. Unfortunately, Dr. Khan says that Wolf’s hand may never fully recover. Apparently, though, Wolf was not ruffled by this news. In his words, “a withered hand does not seem an unreasonable exchange for a world without Ann Coulter.” Amen, brave Hun.