The Numbers are In!
As required by Federal law, Anselmo has just released my 3Q campaign financials to the Federal Election Commission. They were on my desk this morning, and I almost soiled myself. Trying to become President is unbelievably expensive. I guess I knew that $150 million is a lot of money, but feels like a lot more when you write the checks. No worries, though. There is a bit of money coming in, so I’m not going to have to pay all of the expenses out of my pocket, but it’s still pretty impressive to see all of the expenses laid out all at once. Always eager to be selectively honest to my prospective constituents, I’ve decided to include an itemized list of my campaign expenditures (with a few comments) for your perusal.
Disbursements
- Travel
- Blimp: $3,899,423.34
- Hot Air Balloon: $24,389.00
- Hot Air Balloon Fuel: $189.99
- Awesome Dirt Bike: $8,400.00
- Goddamn Taxis: $1,400.66
- Stuckey’s: $8.42
then you’re going to have to send me a little change. In bills.
- Meals
- Surf and Turf: $6,483.88
- Turf and Surf: $1,977.02
- Tendercrisps: $483.23
- Jagermeister: $850 (roughly)
- Red Bull: $819.08
- Entertainment
- Krumping Lessons: $1,400.00
- Gentlemen’s Club: $72,000.78
- Weaponry and Defenses
- Shaped Charges: $23,000.00
- Chinese Stars: $85.99
Receipts
- Individuals
- Rich White: $36,000,000.00
- Anselmo BelGrande: $225.00
- Cletus Merriwether III: $150,000.00
- Organizations
- NAACP (a different one): $4,800.00
- Westchester Junior League: $250,382.44
- Illuminati: $800,000.00
Looking closely at this list, I’m starting to feel a bit discouraged. The only people who are giving any money to my Campaign are my friends and relatives. It’s like I’m a ten-year-old or something doing a walk-a-thon or selling some goddamn candy bars for my school. Jesus, people, don’t you guys want some change in this country? If so, you can return the favor in advance by sending some of your extra change this way. Thanks and Godspeed.