Cease and Desist.
About five minutes ago, I opened a really nice looking envelope that Pepper had put into my inbox. It was off-white, and made of lovely 100lb. textured, 40% Egyptian cotton stock. Let me cut to the chase here: It was a cease and desist letter from Rob Schneider’s lawyer. What? You don’t remember him? Well, you might know him better as Deuce Bigelow, Male Gigolo. Or perhaps as that little piece of flesh that’s always attached to the end of Adam Sandler’s schlong. Below, I have reproduced the letter verbatim (with edits):
Dear Mr. White:
It has come to my client’s attention that you have made an unauthorized use of his copyrighted title of “the Richmeister” (the “Title”) in the preparation of a work derived therefrom. My client has reserved all rights regarding this stupid-ass concept, first published in 1994, on the increasingly irrelevant NBC television production “Saturday Night Live.” Your blog entitled “My Stepdaughter’s new ‘Beau’” makes reference to the Title and clearly used the Title as its basis, as if you even knew that some moron had filed actual paperwork to protect something so seemingly inconsequential.
As you neither asked for nor received permission from my client, a twelfth-rate midget comedian, to use the Title as the basis for your accidental reference nor to make or distribute copies, including electronic copies, of same, my client believes you have willfully infringed his rights under 17 U.S.C. Section 101 et seq. and could be liable for statutory damages as high as $150,000 as set forth in Section 504(c)(2) therein.
My client demand’s that you immediately cease the use and distribution of all infringing works derived from the Title, and all copies, including electronic copies, of same, that you deliver to my client, if applicable, all unused, undistributed copies of same, or destroy such copies immediately and that you desist from this or any other infringement of client’s rights in the future. If I have not received an affirmative response from you by June 16, 2007, indicating that you have fully complied with these requirements, further action shall be taken. Possible actions might include, but would not be limited to, taking your penis into my mouth and tongue-wrestling you to a creamy dispensation.
Very truly yours,
Rob Schneider’s Total Fucking Moron Attorney and Sons LLC.
Wow. How desperate is this guy? I mean, Tiny Elvis was pretty cool, but what has he done since? Oh, I could list the embarrassments, but I’ll let the critics do that for me. $150,000 per infringement? Richmeister. Richmeister. Richmeister. Richmeister. Richmeister. Richmeister. Richmeister. Richmeister. Richmeister. Richmeister. Richmeister. Looks like a total of $1.8 million. With tip, we’ll call it a cool two-mil. I’ll leave the money on the nightstand on my way out.
Here is a personal message from me to you “Mr.” Schneider: I will infringe on your shit all day if I feel like it. I’m rich, bitch, and I’ll cut checks to your hack ass all day so long as I can expose you for the talentless whore that you know you are. Besides, I should be the one sending you letters, since your “Deuce Bigelow” franchise bears a “significant similarity” to the deuces I’ve been churning out in my bathroom for decades. I guess this can be considered an “affirmative response.” Sorry it’s a few days late.
Thanks for your continuing support, and I hope I can count on your vote in the upcoming election. Richcrest OUT!