It’s Official!
Well, Americans, it looks like you’ll finally have a reason to hit the polls next October. Yes, folks, today my faithful assistant (and now Campaign manager) Anselmo called some people and did the necessary footwork. Long story short: I’m accepting donations! While embarking on a presidential campaign is undoubtedly the most daunting task I have yet faced, I face it armed with the same tools that have given me an advantage all of my life: lots of money, and a very little melanin. To explain, let me tell you the story of how I first realized that I ought to run for president in the first place.
I looked in the mirror the other day, and noticed something about myself that I hadn’t noticed before. I mean, sure, I guess I had always known I was white, but these days, you spend so much time trying not to see the color of a person’s skin, you forget what color yours is! Anyway, noticing this simple fact got me thinking. I have a lot of ideas, and I like free trips, so I called my accountant. He confirmed my expectations: I’m very rich. Combined with my skin color, that makes me a political dynamo! People like me have had this nation on lockdown since it’s inception. I’m a shoe in!
My maid, Consuela, thinks I’m crazy. She says that I have no experience with politics and that my elevated position isolates me from the experience of the common American, and therefore undermines my ability to adequately represent all but a small minority at the top of the income gradient. Furthermore, she asserts that my vast network of alliances and contacts in the business world may prove an encumbrance later on, as I find myself beholden to their interests over those of the electorate. She’s not from here, so I forgive her for her ignorance. Besides, I don’t take advice from someone who works for two bucks an hour. You don’t need a Political Science degree to shake somebody’s hand, you just need a hand. Plus, I went to Yale (so my grandad was rich too, in your face Edwards!).
My next call was to my contact in the Freemasons. I won’t name him (but you know who he is), and he assured me that, since they had not yet decided who the next President would be, and since I am a member in good standing, I would be considered for the position at the next convocation of the Death’s Head Council. That means that the whole burrito is basically in the bag, so I grabbed Anselmo and said: “Road Trip!” He’s getting everything ready for the ol’ campaign trail.
I made another call, this time to my PR firm. They seemed pretty psyched about doing some demographics studies and giving me a few talking points. I don’t plan on opening my mouth unless I’m damn sure people are going to like what comes out of it. My lawyer called me at that point, and I asked him to get me a copy of the Constitution. Apparently that has some good stuff in it (it did seem a bit long, so I’m having Anselmo read it). Then I called my accountant back and asked him to get creative on some fundraising options. He suggested I call some of my friends in the media to try and get a little help in the BNR department (biased news reporting), since that way I can get around some of those pesky campaign finance regulations. Sure, a few dozen dummy corporations and offshore accounts will have to be set up, but no worries. I’ve never been one to shy away from a hard day’s paperwork. Or at least my secretary hasn’t.
Well, it’s time to start strategizing, so I’d better get to it. I have enlisted Anselmo BelGrande, my talented friend and confidante, as my campaign manager, and he has some big things in mind. Before I go, though, I want to express my sincere gratitude for all of the help and words of encouragement I have received since I began contemplating this endeavor. Without the support of you, the really, really, tiny little people, people like me wouldn’t have something soft separating us from the ground.