Going Negative
As you can probably imagine, the Primaries have me a little frustrated. I need to blow off a little steam, so today the Rich White Presidential campaign is officially going negative. When a campaign “goes negative,” that just means that they’re laying the smack down on the other candidates. Unlike Anselmo, I don’t believe that voters have disdain for a negative campaign. In fact, the statistics are clear: Americans love negativity. As evidence I submit the following: Britney Spears, rubbernecking, gossip, explosions, etc. Below, then, you will find an itemized list of my opponents, complete with the most damning information I can assemble to make you hate them. By the way, a lot of these candidates have already dropped out of the race. I’m just covering them in case they ever try to run for anything ever again:
Sam Brownback- It is difficult to believe that, in this day and age, a person with a name like “Sam Brownback” can so long elude public derision. In this case only will I confine my criticism to his name; his last name, more precisely. Brownback. When people hear “brown,” what they actually hear is “shit.” Anyone who has chuckled at a UPS commercial will know what I’m talking about. Similarly, the word “back” gives on the impression of “ass,” especially when it is in close proximity with the word “brown.” In this case, the two share the same word. So, in summation, Mr. Brownback’s name is in fact read subliminally as “Sam Shit-ass.” Imagine checking that box!
Hillary Clinton- Contrary to popular belief, Hillary is actually a woman. I guess no one told her that women can’t be President in this country. Someone better get this lady a copy of the Constitution. It’s a ridiculous idea; can you imagine Ben Franklin as a woman? Obviously not. Needless to say, I’m not to worried about her.
Barack Obama- Mr. Obama is everything Hillary is not: a man. In fact, that may be the only difference between the two! I actually find Mr. Obama very compelling, what with his hopeful changeyness and all. And a good Irish-Catholic name to boot! What’s not to trust? Still, something about him makes me uneasy; I can’t quite put my finger on exactly what, though. It just seems that there’s something wrong with him. I think you should trust my gut on this one.
Mike Gravel- Nothing to worry about here. I’ve already forgotten his name.
Ron Paul- This guy has unnatural amount of concern for rights. I mean, why is he so interested in privacy? What’s he hiding? I can think of someone else who was interested in privacy. His name was the Unabomber. Are you the Unabomber, Dr. Paul? Well, probably not, since the Unabomber has already been apprehended. Nonetheless, from here forward I will refer to Dr. Paul as the “Ronabomber.”
Mitt Romney- I wouldn’t say I’m bothered that he’s a mormon, except that I am. I don’t know about having a representative of some crazy fringe group as President. Who’s his Vice President going to be, Tom Cruise? Besides, a mitt is something you put your hand in; if that’s the criteria for a good leader, then I’d like to nominate my wife.
Rudy Giuliani- I don’t know why you wouldn’t vote for this guy. He’s super-strong and super-brave, as he proved when he stopped 9/11 from happening. Oh wait, my mistake; he let it happen. That’s right. Well, if you think letting 9/11 happen isn’t a big deal, go ahead and vote for him. I’ll pass, if you don’t mind. Plus, he’s starting to look more and more like the Crypt Keeper, which is what we’ve always wanted in a leader, right?
Dennis Kucinich- I won’t spend too long on this guy. How do I know he can’t be President? Well, I looked at him, that’s how. Seriously, everybody knows it’s true. He just doesn’t have that “special something” that makes a leader. His wife, on the other hand, has that quality in spades. Pretty hot slice of wife-cake, I don’t mind saying. I might be interested in something like that for a running mate, actually.
Joe Biden- I like Joe. I’ve played golf with him. I’ve gone to his kid’s birthdays. We hang out all the time; he’s a nice guy. The problem is, he smells awful. You can’t see it on TV, honestly, but anyone who knows him can back me up. It’s not his fault; it’s some glandular disorder or something. It’s actually pretty sad. Not sad enough not to make fun of, though. But at the end of the day, you can’t have some turd-smelling MF going to meet the foreign dignitaries. It’s just not cool. PWNED!
Arthur Branch- When I found out that District Attorney Branch was running for President, I was ambivalent. Part of me was happy that I would to get to meet him. Another part of me, though, was happy that I would get to stomp him into the ground. Don’t get me wrong, I respect his work in putting away all those criminals while also poignantly pointing up the ambiguities of the criminal justice system. I just don’t think bossing Sam Waterson around is resume enough to lead this nation.
Mike Huckabee- Mike is a nice guy, and real trustworthy. For instance, I bet you could trust him not to sleep with your wife. Well as a matter of fact you can’t. I won’t name names, but my wife and Mr. Huckabee had a bit of a fling a few years back; when he was fat. I don’t want to talk about it. I don’t like this guy.
Christopher Dodd- We all know that Chris Dodd has been a Senator from Connecticut since 1981, and that he currently serves as Chairman of the Senate Banking Committee. We sing of his heroic victories over such skilled opponents as James Buckley and Gary Franks. We remember the baseless allegations levied by the Center for Public Integrity; allegations that made our blood boil. In short, we know Chris Dodd almost as well as we know ourselves. I think that, given his central position in our culture, we would be setting ourselves up for a grave disappointment by electing him President. We would foolishly risk destabilizing the intricate network of sign-systems and mythologies that we’ve built up around his persona. He already occupies an important space for our entire culture. I suggest we leave him there.
John McCain- Am I the only one who doesn’t get this guy? I know Hiltons aren’t that nice, but for everyone to think he was a hero for having to stay in one? I mean, what about the people who stay in Sheratons? Where’s the telethon for them? Plus, I’ve heard he’s been to prison. We don’t need that type of fellow as a President.
Now, there are actually a lot of other opponents. There dozens, in fact. There are parties I’ve never even heard of with no chance of ever finding representation. Just like you, I decided not to waste my time. Yours, Rich