A lot of people have been asking me where I stand on the Iraq war. I have thus far declined to comment on the issue, but today I am ready to break my silence. I feel that the war was a horrible foreign policy blunder, and I would like to go on record with my pledge to bring our troops home from Iraq immediately; before I’m elected, if possible. If we are to expect our nation’s brave sons and daughters to fight and die for our freedom, the least we can do is call upon them only when absolutely necessary. In fact, I pledge to bring the troops home not only from Iraq, but from every other country as well; we’re going to need them.

You see, Americans love war; we’re good at it. Of course, where foreign policy is concerned, one must always look first to the cool hand of Diplomacy in dire times. Sooner or later, though, it’s time to invade. And when that time comes, it’s helpful to have a target picked out. Well, it just so happens that I have a target in mind. My war is going to be called Police Action II: Operation “Jungle Payback”. You guessed it: ‘Nam.

While the Primaries have thus far been politically useless to me, they have nonetheless given me a valuable opportunity to talk to average Joes across the nation. One such Joe is Mr. Joe Dixon, a South Carolina war veteran. We spoke for a few hours the other day and he seemed so average, in fact, that I have decided to assume that his beliefs are shared by most other Americans. You, through him, had a lot to say, and I was certainly listening. It seems that one day in 1967, you were on patrol in Koc-Suk when you stepped on a land mine. When you awoke at the field hospital, your left leg had been entirely removed, and your right was gone at the knee. You came home and found yourself unable to live normally, and gradually retreated into loneliness and alcoholism. After a drunk driving accident that left your two teenage sons dead, you had a couple of suicide attempts, but ended up finding Jesus. Which brings us to today. And today, you want to go back and get rid of those skew-eyed rice-rats for good. They took your goddamn legs, and you want revenge.

Well I want revenge for you. If elected, I promise that Police Action II: Operation “Jungle Payback” will drop in my first 90 days. And although I mean “drop” in the hip-hop sense, I mean it also in the carpet-bombing sense. Yeah, a lot of Presidents don’t play that card anymore. Since smart bombs came out, everyone has pretty much forgotten what Mr. 1000lb Incendiary Device can do. In this case, though, I just don’t think subtlety is a luxury we can afford. Plus, I’m a real stickler when it comes to getting those little historical details right (I’ve already contacted Dow about firing up their Agent Orange machine). After the bombing, the Carrier Groups will go in to decimate any remaining military units. In Phase III, the Marines hit the ground to finish off the enemy women and children. They will go to each house, toss in a freedom-bomb, and then spray out the freedom-guts with a freedom-hose. You want an Exit Strategy? No problem; I will send in 1 million bulldozers to physically remove all of the landmass of Vietnam to barges, which will subsequently be emptied into the Marinara Trench. All that will remain is some shiny new Cambodian coastline!

While we are obviously still in the very early planning stages of this thing, I do have a few ideas with respect to personnel. Sylvester Stallone will be promoted to General. There are plenty of other Generals to actually run the effort, I just want Sly to be present at briefings in a torn tank-top; you know, to his brand to the project. Also–and this may be sad news to some–I will be replacing Chuck Norris as senior leader of the Delta Force. Now that he’s come out for Huckabee, there’s no way I’d let him stay. I don’t care how many stones he can kill with one bird. The job is instead going to that Mac guy from those commercials. That should be the last we see of him!

I know what you’re thinking: what about the liberals? No problem, there’s something here for them too. You know the air pollution problem; global swarming or whatever? Well the Vietnamese are responsible for it. These backwards near-people burn dung for warmth, which is unbelievably disgusting. It’s like a thousand times worse than coal. Knocking them out of commission would do a lot to help Mother Earth in her struggle against us.

I have to say, I’m really excited to be bringing the troops home so I can send them out again. I think that the best way to support our troops is to send them somewhere where the people are easy to kill. Look out Charlie, Uncle Sam is coming for you!

Greetings citizenry! I’m back on the road again after a rare and wonderful weekend at home with my wife Peggy, her goddamn kids, and my wonderful boys. As much as I just love to be on the road constantly pretending to be interested in the needs of every godforsaken slackjaw in this great land of ours, it sure feels good to kick back with the family once in a while and get my bonding on. We did a lot of the typical family stuff that Americans do, from taffy-pulls and may-poles. Saturday night was my favorite White family tradition: Movie night!

Now, I’m a bit of a hard-ass when it comes to movie night, as Peggy and the kids can attest to. There are only a few rules, but they are strictly enforced. First, everyone must be present. This includes Peggy, her two children from her previous marriage (whose names I only repeat when insulting them), my kids, Butch and R.J., and Consuela, our maid. I don’t invite the road crew, because this is supposed to be a vacation, after all. Whenever possible, I try to avoid having Anselmo over when Peggy is home. There is always an inexplicable tension in the air whenever they are in the same room.

The second rule is that there must be mountains of extra-buttery popcorn, and not that microwave bullshit, either. Consuela never disappoints in this department. Whenever she comes back from a visit to her homeland, she smuggles in some unbelievable stuff. Tortillas, Polenta, Hominy; those Mexicans are like little brown corn geniuses!

The third and most important rule is that the movie must be, I repeat, must be Roland Emmerich’s 1996 masterpiece Independence Day. Not only is this movie set on my birthday, but it also features Will Smith’s most compelling performance. I can’t say enough about this film. It’s got everything. Aliens, Presidents, nukes, dogfights, Jeff Goldblum, you name it! There’s no sex, though, unless you consider killing to be a type of sex (which I do). I think the thing I like best about this movie, though, is it’s dignified and heroic portrayal of the President. In fact, if I were completely honest, I would have to say that Bill Pullman’s character of President Thomas J. Whitmore is my single biggest political influence, and perhaps the reason I’m entering politics at all.

You look surprised. “What,” you might ask, “is so great about President Whitmore?” Well first, he’s slightly good looking. Second, when things get tough, he’s not afraid to jump behind the yoke of a fighter jet. Third, his wife dies, which has always been a personal dream of mine. Need more? Fourth, Whitmore’s a brilliant orator. If you didn’t cry when he made that speech right before the final air battle, you need to get some help because guess what? You’re a sociopath. The bottom line is that President Whitmore, while fictional, is better in every way than any actual President we’ve ever had.

Perhaps you are now wondering if there are any ways in which Thomas J. Whitmore and Rich White are similar? Well, let me put it this way: I don’t think it’s a coincidence that our last names are identical for the first four letters. I’ll put it another way as well: Yes, we’re similar. In fact, if elected, I pledge to bring to the White House the decency, courage, and mild good looks that Pullman’s character embodies. While I realize that, as President, I will probably not have to fight actual aliens, I choose to view the aliens as a figurative representation of the various challenges that a President must face. For instance, I would be willing to jump into the cockpit of an F-22 to fix Social Security or Education; that’s the level of commitment I’m talking about. In short, I will not go quietly into the night. I will not vanish without a fight. I will live on. I will survive. Today I celebrate our “Independence Day.”

Oh, as far as movie night is concerned, it didn’t turn out so well. Peggy’s slut daughter Bekka referred to Bill Pullman as Bill Paxton (I think she did it on purpose). Because of the searing rage that exploded within me, I am unsure of the precise course of events following the incident. I woke up the next morning on the floor, and the house was completely empty. Lots of things were broken. I called Anselmo to come pick me up, and I haven’t spoken with the family since. Don’t worry though; sooner or later one of them will call to apologize.