As required by Federal law, Anselmo has just released my 3Q campaign financials to the Federal Election Commission. They were on my desk this morning, and I almost soiled myself. Trying to become President is unbelievably expensive. I guess I knew that $150 million is a lot of money, but feels like a lot more when you write the checks. No worries, though. There is a bit of money coming in, so I’m not going to have to pay all of the expenses out of my pocket, but it’s still pretty impressive to see all of the expenses laid out all at once. Always eager to be selectively honest to my prospective constituents, I’ve decided to include an itemized list of my campaign expenditures (with a few comments) for your perusal.

Disbursements

• Travel
  • Blimp: $3,899,423.34
  • Hot Air Balloon: $24,389.00
  • Hot Air Balloon Fuel: $189.99

  then you’re going to have to send me a little change. In bills.

  • Awesome Dirt Bike: $8,400.00
  • Goddamn Taxis: $1,400.66
  • Stuckey’s: $8.42
• Meals
  • Surf and Turf: $6,483.88
  • Turf and Surf: $1,977.02
  • Tendercrisps: $483.23
  • Jagermeister: $850 (roughly)
  • Red Bull: $819.08
• Entertainment
  • Krumping Lessons: $1,400.00
  • Gentlemen’s Club: $72,000.78
• Weaponry and Defenses
  • Shaped Charges: $23,000.00
  • Chinese Stars: $85.99

Receipts

• Individuals
  • Rich White: $36,000,000.00
  • Anselmo BelGrande: $225.00
  • Cletus Merriwether III: $150,000.00
• Organizations
  • NAACP (a different one): $4,800.00
  • Westchester Junior League: $250,382.44
  • Illuminati: $800,000.00

Looking closely at this list, I’m starting to feel a bit discouraged. The only people who are giving any money to my Campaign are my friends and relatives. It’s like I’m a ten-year-old or something doing a walk-a-thon or selling some goddamn candy bars for my school. Jesus, people, don’t you guys want some change in this country? If so, you can return the favor in advance by sending some of your extra change this way. Thanks and Godspeed.

It’s time to hit the road and spread the Word to every Joe Schmo, John Q. Public, and Paddy O’Averagedipshit out there in this great land of ours. A Presidential Candidate, however, doesn’t just jump into his trusty Buick and switch on the cruise control. No, citizens, it takes a very special vehicle to help me and my crew get the message out there, and I just picked it up today. Let me backtrack for a sec. When it came time to plan this little trip, Anselmo suggested we purchase a bus. Real original there buddy. We all remember John McCain’s “Straight-Talk Express,” don’t we? “Express to where?” you might ask. In McCain’s case, apparently straight to mediocreburg. No, for this campaign, we needed something special.

I suggested a train, but Anselmo squashed that one. Apparently trains only travel on tracks, which means no Stuckey’s, and that’s a no-go. When I’m on a trip, I can only use the bathroom at Stuckey’s (don’t ask). Then, I placed an order for the “Doublespeak Doublewide,” which I thought would be a wonderful way not only to travel in style, but also to connect with a lot of the poor people in the world, who I hear live in doublewide trailers. And I don’t blame them, because they’re pretty nice: it had a well appointed wine cellar, a screening room, and a golden toilet. Unfortunately, when Anselmo and I showed up to drive it away, they told me the damn thing wasn’t street legal. What a kick in the ass! The damn thing didn’t even have an engine in it. I sent it over to one of Peggy’s hillbilly cousins to live in, but I kept the toilet.

Then I figured it out: blimp. That’ll really get their attention, I thought. So I called a blimp company and commissioned one. I just approved the final designs this morning, and let me tell you, she’s a beaut. Her name is “The Truthenburg Zeppelin,” but she’s not going to be ready until January, which kind of sucks. What to do until then? Well, luckily the guy who is building her also happens to be into hot-air ballooning, so offered to sell me one of his finest specimens. Yes, folks, the Hot-Air Express is ready to fly!



Needless to say, I was pretty psyched. As you can see, she’s a beaut. I outfitted her with a wide variety of amenities, including sandbags and a wicker gondola. There’s enough room for Anselmo and myself, as well as a small cooler and a suitcase. It’s cozy, but that’s not necessarily a bad thing. After all, it’s freezing up there, so on long cross-country trips Anselmo and I will want to huddle up anyway. The only drawback that I can see is wind. My engagements will need to be planned a little more carefully, and be subject to change at a moments notice. I’ll leave all of that up to Pepper. Get ready, nation, the Rich White message of changeful hope is about to take to the skies!