A lot of people have been asking me where I stand on the Iraq war. I have thus far declined to comment on the issue, but today I am ready to break my silence. I feel that the war was a horrible foreign policy blunder, and I would like to go on record with my pledge to bring our troops home from Iraq immediately; before I’m elected, if possible. If we are to expect our nation’s brave sons and daughters to fight and die for our freedom, the least we can do is call upon them only when absolutely necessary. In fact, I pledge to bring the troops home not only from Iraq, but from every other country as well; we’re going to need them.

You see, Americans love war; we’re good at it. Of course, where foreign policy is concerned, one must always look first to the cool hand of Diplomacy in dire times. Sooner or later, though, it’s time to invade. And when that time comes, it’s helpful to have a target picked out. Well, it just so happens that I have a target in mind. My war is going to be called Police Action II: Operation “Jungle Payback”. You guessed it: ‘Nam.

While the Primaries have thus far been politically useless to me, they have nonetheless given me a valuable opportunity to talk to average Joes across the nation. One such Joe is Mr. Joe Dixon, a South Carolina war veteran. We spoke for a few hours the other day and he seemed so average, in fact, that I have decided to assume that his beliefs are shared by most other Americans. You, through him, had a lot to say, and I was certainly listening. It seems that one day in 1967, you were on patrol in Koc-Suk when you stepped on a land mine. When you awoke at the field hospital, your left leg had been entirely removed, and your right was gone at the knee. You came home and found yourself unable to live normally, and gradually retreated into loneliness and alcoholism. After a drunk driving accident that left your two teenage sons dead, you had a couple of suicide attempts, but ended up finding Jesus. Which brings us to today. And today, you want to go back and get rid of those skew-eyed rice-rats for good. They took your goddamn legs, and you want revenge.

Well I want revenge for you. If elected, I promise that Police Action II: Operation “Jungle Payback” will drop in my first 90 days. And although I mean “drop” in the hip-hop sense, I mean it also in the carpet-bombing sense. Yeah, a lot of Presidents don’t play that card anymore. Since smart bombs came out, everyone has pretty much forgotten what Mr. 1000lb Incendiary Device can do. In this case, though, I just don’t think subtlety is a luxury we can afford. Plus, I’m a real stickler when it comes to getting those little historical details right (I’ve already contacted Dow about firing up their Agent Orange machine). After the bombing, the Carrier Groups will go in to decimate any remaining military units. In Phase III, the Marines hit the ground to finish off the enemy women and children. They will go to each house, toss in a freedom-bomb, and then spray out the freedom-guts with a freedom-hose. You want an Exit Strategy? No problem; I will send in 1 million bulldozers to physically remove all of the landmass of Vietnam to barges, which will subsequently be emptied into the Marinara Trench. All that will remain is some shiny new Cambodian coastline!

While we are obviously still in the very early planning stages of this thing, I do have a few ideas with respect to personnel. Sylvester Stallone will be promoted to General. There are plenty of other Generals to actually run the effort, I just want Sly to be present at briefings in a torn tank-top; you know, to his brand to the project. Also–and this may be sad news to some–I will be replacing Chuck Norris as senior leader of the Delta Force. Now that he’s come out for Huckabee, there’s no way I’d let him stay. I don’t care how many stones he can kill with one bird. The job is instead going to that Mac guy from those commercials. That should be the last we see of him!

I know what you’re thinking: what about the liberals? No problem, there’s something here for them too. You know the air pollution problem; global swarming or whatever? Well the Vietnamese are responsible for it. These backwards near-people burn dung for warmth, which is unbelievably disgusting. It’s like a thousand times worse than coal. Knocking them out of commission would do a lot to help Mother Earth in her struggle against us.

I have to say, I’m really excited to be bringing the troops home so I can send them out again. I think that the best way to support our troops is to send them somewhere where the people are easy to kill. Look out Charlie, Uncle Sam is coming for you!

As you can probably imagine, the Primaries have me a little frustrated. I need to blow off a little steam, so today the Rich White Presidential campaign is officially going negative. When a campaign “goes negative,” that just means that they’re laying the smack down on the other candidates. Unlike Anselmo, I don’t believe that voters have disdain for a negative campaign. In fact, the statistics are clear: Americans love negativity. As evidence I submit the following: Britney Spears, rubbernecking, gossip, explosions, etc. Below, then, you will find an itemized list of my opponents, complete with the most damning information I can assemble to make you hate them. By the way, a lot of these candidates have already dropped out of the race. I’m just covering them in case they ever try to run for anything ever again:

Sam Brownback- It is difficult to believe that, in this day and age, a person with a name like “Sam Brownback” can so long elude public derision. In this case only will I confine my criticism to his name; his last name, more precisely. Brownback. When people hear “brown,” what they actually hear is “shit.” Anyone who has chuckled at a UPS commercial will know what I’m talking about. Similarly, the word “back” gives on the impression of “ass,” especially when it is in close proximity with the word “brown.” In this case, the two share the same word. So, in summation, Mr. Brownback’s name is in fact read subliminally as “Sam Shit-ass.” Imagine checking that box!

Hillary Clinton- Contrary to popular belief, Hillary is actually a woman. I guess no one told her that women can’t be President in this country. Someone better get this lady a copy of the Constitution. It’s a ridiculous idea; can you imagine Ben Franklin as a woman? Obviously not. Needless to say, I’m not to worried about her.

Barack Obama- Mr. Obama is everything Hillary is not: a man. In fact, that may be the only difference between the two! I actually find Mr. Obama very compelling, what with his hopeful changeyness and all. And a good Irish-Catholic name to boot! What’s not to trust? Still, something about him makes me uneasy; I can’t quite put my finger on exactly what, though. It just seems that there’s something wrong with him. I think you should trust my gut on this one.

Mike Gravel- Nothing to worry about here. I’ve already forgotten his name.

Ron Paul- This guy has unnatural amount of concern for rights. I mean, why is he so interested in privacy? What’s he hiding? I can think of someone else who was interested in privacy. His name was the Unabomber. Are you the Unabomber, Dr. Paul? Well, probably not, since the Unabomber has already been apprehended. Nonetheless, from here forward I will refer to Dr. Paul as the “Ronabomber.”

Mitt Romney- I wouldn’t say I’m bothered that he’s a mormon, except that I am. I don’t know about having a representative of some crazy fringe group as President. Who’s his Vice President going to be, Tom Cruise? Besides, a mitt is something you put your hand in; if that’s the criteria for a good leader, then I’d like to nominate my wife.

Rudy Giuliani- I don’t know why you wouldn’t vote for this guy. He’s super-strong and super-brave, as he proved when he stopped 9/11 from happening. Oh wait, my mistake; he let it happen. That’s right. Well, if you think letting 9/11 happen isn’t a big deal, go ahead and vote for him. I’ll pass, if you don’t mind. Plus, he’s starting to look more and more like the Crypt Keeper, which is what we’ve always wanted in a leader, right?

Dennis Kucinich- I won’t spend too long on this guy. How do I know he can’t be President? Well, I looked at him, that’s how. Seriously, everybody knows it’s true. He just doesn’t have that “special something” that makes a leader. His wife, on the other hand, has that quality in spades. Pretty hot slice of wife-cake, I don’t mind saying. I might be interested in something like that for a running mate, actually.

Joe Biden- I like Joe. I’ve played golf with him. I’ve gone to his kid’s birthdays. We hang out all the time; he’s a nice guy. The problem is, he smells awful. You can’t see it on TV, honestly, but anyone who knows him can back me up. It’s not his fault; it’s some glandular disorder or something. It’s actually pretty sad. Not sad enough not to make fun of, though. But at the end of the day, you can’t have some turd-smelling MF going to meet the foreign dignitaries. It’s just not cool. PWNED!

Arthur Branch- When I found out that District Attorney Branch was running for President, I was ambivalent. Part of me was happy that I would to get to meet him. Another part of me, though, was happy that I would get to stomp him into the ground. Don’t get me wrong, I respect his work in putting away all those criminals while also poignantly pointing up the ambiguities of the criminal justice system. I just don’t think bossing Sam Waterson around is resume enough to lead this nation.

Mike Huckabee- Mike is a nice guy, and real trustworthy. For instance, I bet you could trust him not to sleep with your wife. Well as a matter of fact you can’t. I won’t name names, but my wife and Mr. Huckabee had a bit of a fling a few years back; when he was fat. I don’t want to talk about it. I don’t like this guy.

Christopher Dodd- We all know that Chris Dodd has been a Senator from Connecticut since 1981, and that he currently serves as Chairman of the Senate Banking Committee. We sing of his heroic victories over such skilled opponents as James Buckley and Gary Franks. We remember the baseless allegations levied by the Center for Public Integrity; allegations that made our blood boil. In short, we know Chris Dodd almost as well as we know ourselves. I think that, given his central position in our culture, we would be setting ourselves up for a grave disappointment by electing him President. We would foolishly risk destabilizing the intricate network of sign-systems and mythologies that we’ve built up around his persona. He already occupies an important space for our entire culture. I suggest we leave him there.

John McCain- Am I the only one who doesn’t get this guy? I know Hiltons aren’t that nice, but for everyone to think he was a hero for having to stay in one? I mean, what about the people who stay in Sheratons? Where’s the telethon for them? Plus, I’ve heard he’s been to prison. We don’t need that type of fellow as a President.

Now, there are actually a lot of other opponents. There dozens, in fact. There are parties I’ve never even heard of with no chance of ever finding representation. Just like you, I decided not to waste my time. Yours, Rich

As many of you may know, we spent the last week campaigning in New Hampshire. I never knew this state was here! It was actually a bit of a surprise when I found out about it. I had never heard of it, and at first was angry that Anselmo would plan to waste my time campaigning overseas. However, it turns out that New Hampshire is not in New England at all; she’s right here in the U.S. of A! I was pretty confused at first, but Anselmo took out the map and showed me where we were going. I recognized it immediately, almost. I know it’s the state I usually get confused with Vermont. I’m pretty sure it’s one of those two, though.

I’ve been to the original Hampshire, and I have to say: it was a dump. For this reason, I had pretty low expectations. I had hope though; I mean, New Mexico is way better than the old one, right? And I have to say, I have found New Hampshire quite beautiful since I arrived here. The scenery is quite varied: there are everything from glens, dales, and glades to hursts, knolls, and hillocks. And Montpelier, the capital, is a lovely town. The people are friendly, and the streets are relatively clean of urine. I wouldn’t change a thing.

But it turns out that the sweet creatures who inhabit this town want to change everything. We went downtown to a little “mom and pop” pizza “joint” and chatted up the locals. I got a slice of New York style pie and talked with some local schmos. They were really fascinating people. They seemed confused, though. They seemed to think that they were in Vermont, which I thought was weird. But I totally understand getting the two confused, like I mentioned earlier. Anyway, talking with these people led me to the conclusion that they want change.

Change is like that bell that makes the dogs salivate, only it works on voters. I found that the more I said it, the happier people were! I talked it up big time; change this, change that, make that illegal, kill those people. That kind of stuff. It really played well, and I had a great time playing make-believe. Also, I left without paying, so I hope they had a good time too. Just to make us even. We were going to go to Boston to get some of those beans they make, and Anselmo said it should take 3 hours by balloon. Unfortunately, it took 12 hours. There was some problem with the map or something. Primaries suck.

Anyone who has turned on the news lately has probably heard about the Caucus taking place in Iowa on Thursday. All of the candidates are there, of course, taking every available opportunity to mug for a camera, slobber on a microphone, or feel up a constituent. All of the candidates, that is, save one: yours truly.

That’s right, citizens, I’m sitting this one out. You might be wondering why. Is it because I have received absolutely no recognition whatsoever from either party, and therefore would not be eligible to win any sort of nomination anyway? No. Well then, is it because I have not spent even a single cent on getting my message out in Iowa? Getting warmer. Ok, Rich, is it because you have a burning contempt for the people and very soil of Iowa and therefore vehemently refuse to set foot into that dogforsaken cornhole? Bingo!

You think this is sour grapes, do you? Perhaps you think I’m being unfair to those “good people” who call Iowa home. Well, before you go run off to Des Moines to hug and kiss your friends there, let me tell you a few things you may not know about these animals. And I’m not worried about those Iowans finding out what I have to say, either. While you may be having a good time reading this, an Iowan certainly would not. An Iowan has never had a good time reading anything, because an Iowan can’t read anything except a liquor bottle.

Ever hear of incest? Well the good folks of Iowa sure have. In fact, 40% of all sexual intercourse in Iowa takes place between family members. I mean, I don’t doubt that you can have a wonderfully pleasurable orgasm inside of an uncle, sister, or wife, but where I come from we use a little something called “restraint” to avoid such unforgivable sins. I guess in Iowa they haven’t developed that concept just yet. I guess we shouldn’t hurry them, though; let’s let them figure out some of the simpler things first, like the wheel or nixtamalization (the soaking of dried maize in lye-water until the hulls are removed, thereby improving the accessiblity of niacin and amino acids).

But Rich, you might say, Iowa is such a pretty name for a place. It must be so nice! Are you kidding me? Well I’ll tell you an interesting fact about that. The name “Iowa” is taken from the Indian word “Iowanttokillmyself.” And it makes sense really, since nearly 30% of Iowa’s citizens kill themselves at some point during their lives. I don’t want to make light of this, because this is a truly sad situation. These are people who hate Iowa so much that they don’t want to live, but they’re too stupid to figure out that they only need to move. This is a real humanitarian crisis, and I donate lots of money to the appropriate charities (from a distance).

By now you might be saying to yourself, jesus, Rich, what’s your problem? You might even be wondering if there might be some other reason for me to hate Iowa and her dreg-people. Well, as a matter of fact you’d be correct on that one. Anselmo begged me not to reveal this, but frankly I think I ought to. When I was just a boy, my mother went to Dubuque for her sister’s funeral. While she was there, she had an extramarital tryst with some field-cretin. When she came home, she confessed everything to my father, who was utterly heartbroken. Her excuse was that she had been emotionally shattered by her sister’s death, and the funeral had left her lonely, weak, and susceptible to the advances of some husk-covered troglodyte. I’m sure that’s what it seemed like to her, but I believe it had more to do with the state of Iowa itself. My aunt was, after all, an Iowan, and no profit can come to those who associate with Iowans.

Sometimes I see it in my nightmares. A drunken Iowa hillbilly (for some reason, it’s always Orville Reddenbacher in the dream), his sneering lips dotted with stray kernels, forces her into the field and lays her down among the stalks. Then, muttering dark incorntations, he tears into her with his knobby cob. His thrusting is rough and uncouth, like that of an angry mule. At long last, his climax rushes forth like a stream of hot grits across her thighs. The scene sickens me, and by Jupiter, I shall never set foot in Iowa as long as I live.

In summation, if I become President, it will be without the votes of those Iowan subhumans. If you don’t live in Iowa, don’t ever go there. If you are currently in Iowa, leave or commit suicide. If your job sends you to a meeting in Iowa, quit; they don’t care about you. If your plane is set to land in Iowa, jump out of it. I can’t stress this enough: Iowa sucks. I’ll see you bitches in Wyoming.